


Anchor

by lior__bb



Series: Haikyuu!! duets at random songs in my playlist [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Brotherly Love, Canon Divergence, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, Miya Osamu Needs a Hug, Other, Pro Volleyball Player Miya Osamu, Sad Miya Atsumu, Song Lyrics, idk how to tag, if you want a happy ending please don't read, in this household we only know tears, it's not a ship pls, poor kita pls give him a hug too, too - Freeform, why do I add so much tags?, why do i made myself cry like that ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:21:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29498754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lior__bb/pseuds/lior__bb
Summary: "I'll never let you die 'tsumu. Remember what I said ? I'll always be there for you. I'll never let you, I promise.". And with this, Atsumu just cried harder.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu
Series: Haikyuu!! duets at random songs in my playlist [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166813
Kudos: 14





	Anchor

**Author's Note:**

> Well English isn't my first language so I'm sorry if there are some mistakes, I tried my best to not make any but please let me know if some of them are still here

* * *

_**Drifting beneath the horizon** _  
_**Body is weak but I'm trying** _  
_**To make it to shore, but I'm falling short** _  
_**I need You more** _

Knees weak, his whole body is shaking now. He was pretty sure his brother had noticed his state when he came home a few minutes before, but he didn't expect him to come into his room. Without a word, the younger's hand reaches his hair in an attempt to comfort him. And with that, he let his tears roll down his cheeks. His sobs can probably be heard by their neighbours, but it doesn't matter at the moment. He just lets his heart bleed, just lets all his emotions slip away. 

_**Wave after wave, I've been sinking** _  
_**So unto Your promise I'm clinging** _

Atsumu never allowed himself to be so vulnerable beside his twin, but this time he just couldn't stop himself. He tried. God knows he tried. However, every time he wants to, his sobs just grew louder and louder. He couldn't manage to put a smile on his lips, not even the fake one he gave everyone during the day. It had just been so long. He has to pretend he was fine too many times, he can't even count how many. He's just tired now, he can't go on like this. Even if it means letting Osamu see him like that, letting him see what he always wanted to hide from him, all his broken parts.

_**You say that I'm strong, to You I belong** _  
_**Keep holding on** _

This day was the first one of a long, long series. Osamu never asks what's going on and he can't be more grateful, 'cause he really didn't want to tell him about all of this. He wanted to be at least a few strong beside him, even if his brother always tells him that it didn't matter and that'll never change the way he sees him. But, deep down, Atsumu knows the real reason, why he actually didn't want to tell him, he knew if he did so it makes it all more real for him. If he tells him, he'll no longer be able to rest in his denial state. If he tells Osamu, then all of this, will no longer be " _just a nightmare_ ".

_**You are my anchor** _  
_**So steady me, steady me now** _  
_**You are my anchor** _  
_**You're keeping my feet on the ground** _

And maybe, there's also a little bit of fear. Even if he has told him nothing could change the way he looks at him, he can't help but wonder, can it really be the same if his twin knows ? What if he hates him ? He can't lose him. Everybody but him. Osamu's his brother, his everything. He's the reason he made it so far, the reason he hasn't abandoned yet. The only reason he wakes up every morning with a shy smile, 'cause during one second, or two sometimes, he doesn't think of all the rest, only about his twin in the other bed, here, with him. And he doesn't know what he would do if he loses him, he can't even imagine. 

_**In angry oceans, You've never broken through** _  
_**Every wave of the storm** _

Weeks had passed now, from the first time Atsumu let his mask crack. Weeks had passed, but it doesn't feel less painful for Osamu. How long can he possibly do it ? How long can he sit here and watch his own brother breaks right in front of him ? And, mostly, how can he haven't noticed that earlier ? How could he have let his twin deal with all his shitty emotion all by himself, without him ? Atsumu has always been there for him, all his life. He was his rock, throwing all his problems apart by just being here. He seemed so unbreakable back then, Osamu hadn't noticed what was going on inside him. After all the things his twin has done for him. Every single night since this day, he bits his lower lips, when their shared bedroom become dark, trying not to cry. They promised to always be there for each other, he promised. So why can he not keeps his promise before it's too late ? 

_**You are my anchor** _  
_**So steady me, steady me now** _  
_**Come steady me, steady me now** _

One night, after all the lights have been shut off, breaking the silence, there's been some small sobs. This time he haven't success to hide them. Hands shaking, from the surprise, voice unsure, his twins has called his name. It was a small whisper, but Osamu could hear the worries in his brother's voice. He doesn't want to worry him, doesn't want to force him either, but he just can't take it by now. It's been almost a month and yet the blond boy never lets anything escape, he doesn't tell him anything about what makes him look so miserable. And Osamu could, maybe, let it slide if he hasn't seen his twin state getting worse, and worse, each day. One month since he first sees the broken Atsumu his brother hidden from him, one whole month. He's now being able to differentiate his fake smile and his real one, but it seems that his brother hasn't let the second slide since god knows when. Maybe it's been years, he doesn't even remember.

_**When I get tired of fighting** _  
_**All of the fears I've been hiding** _

" _It's tiring, so fucking tiring._ " he said. " _You know, some days I wonder why I'm still fighting even when it'll be so much simpler to just, you know ? Stop. All this. But you're here, how am I supposed to let go when you're by my side, when you give me so much ? Some day I hate you for this, I hate you for keeping me fighting, for keeping me here. I hate you 'cause I love you so much. You don't even know how much. It fucking hurts._ " and Osamu just let his heart breaks, slowly, with every word his brother says. He doesn't understand the pain his twins goes through, he just wishes he could take it away. But he can't. He just let his fingers run through Atsumu's blond hair, watches him relax under his touch, even if it's just for a moment, even if it doesn't last long. For some minutes, at least, he seems to be good. 

_**You gave me your breath, and tell me to rest** _  
_**You never left** _

Atsumu ends sleeping in his shoulder. It's been a while since the last time he has a real night. Osamu doesn't move, even a little. He doesn't want to disturb him, doesn't want to wake him up by accident. It's only four pm and Kita's probably going to scold them for missing practice but his brother needs to rest, for all the nights he doesn't. Osamu lets his head gently repose in his twin's, closing his eyes. He can hear Atsumu mumbling his name in his sleep and he smiles a little, answering " _I'm here 'tsumu. I'll always be here._ ", before falling asleep as well.

_**I can, I can, I can hear You, calling me by name** _  
_**Pulling me up from under my shame** _

When he opens his eyes, he knew something was wrong, and it doesn't last long since he found what. His brother was shaking, holding his arm like his life depends on it. Slowly, Osamu tries to wake him up, but it doesn't seem to work. The blond boy just starts crying again, saying his name in repeat. His name and something else, something he doesn't understand at first. However, when he does, his body start to shake as well. " _'samu. Save me. Save me please. 'samu. I don't want to die..._ ". Tears start rolling down his face and he tries harder to wake his twins. When Atsumu manages to finally opens his eyes, the younger pull him in a tiny embrace. Like he was afraid of letting go, like his brother would disapear if he did so. At first the blond doesn't understand, he just let it be, returning the hug, but he froze when he heard his brother. " _I'll never let you die 'tsumu. Remember what I said ? I'll always be there for you. I'll never let you, I promise._ ". And with this, Atsumu just cried harder.

_**Never be the same** _  
_**I can face anything, so let it rain** _

It was the first time Osamu actually asked him what was going on, the first time in month. He seems terrified so, despite his fear, Atsumu agrees to tell him. He makes him promise, promise that nothing will change between them and Osamu did so. The older twin sighs as he starts. He told, the little thing he didn't pay attention to at first, the insults, the laughs, the looks. All these little things he didn't care when they were in middle school, but which take all his head now. The "what if they're actually right ?" which keeps him awake at night. But it doesn't stop here, he could've manage to pass through this. But there were this guy, this guy he meets at the training camp Osamu hasn't been invited to. This guy he falls in love with. At first it was so beautiful, all of this looked like a fairytale, for a moment he doesn't even hear all the things other says about him anymore, they didn't matter back then. But soon enough, all his happiness starts to fall apart. His boyfriend became more and more possessive, keeping him from seeing his friends, keeping him from all. And he had listen to him, 'cause he loved him, or maybe he was just in love with the idea of someone loving him, he doesn't even know anymore. Times passes and he became slowly more distant. And when he broke up with him, Atsumu had nothing left. No real friends since he has distance himself, nobody who cares for him, except his brother, nobody who loves him, nobody to protect him. And the words seems to hurt more now, 'cause maybe they're right, if he's alone it's 'cause they're right, huh ? But he's strong, he could've deal with it too, he could've deal with anything since he knew him and Osamu will be together the rest of their lives, he could've deal with everything as long as he's been by his brother's side. He can't deal with the idea of leaving him.

_**You are my anchor** _  
_**So steady me, steady me now** _  
_**You are my anchor** _  
_**You're keeping my feet on the ground** _

The words the doctor has said this day haunt him, even if it's been almost a year now. He has a disease, he hasn't really listened to all the thing he said. All he knew is that he was sick, and he has almost any chances to pass the end of this year. He finally stops talking, doesn't dare looking at his brother. Saying all of this may have help him, may have taken a weight of his shoulder, he's scared, so scared. What if, despite his promise, his twin ends hating him, what if he hates him for leaving him, for don't being capable to be there for him anymore. It's the sound of soft sobs Osamu has tried to hide as much as he can which make him look at his brother. Osamu can't take it anymore when their eyes met and he ends up crying harder than Atsumu ever sees him cry. He's pretty sure he could hear Osamu begging him to not leave him through his tears, but he can't be sure since he can't really understand. 

_**In angry oceans, You've never broken through** _  
_**Every wave of the storm** _

It takes him at least 2 hours to manage to calm himself and yet he can't totally look at his twin without wanting to cry again. How can he ? They always have been together, since birth, since their very first breath. He thought it'll always be like this, Atsumu and him against the world, just Atsumu and him. But seems like life has others plans. But how ? How can it take his brother and hopes for him to live, or either survive, without him ? It's messed up. Atsumu smiles at him and he tries to do the same. He asks himself how his twin could smile, despite all of that, even just a fake one. He's strong, so much stronger than him. But he has to be as well, not for himself 'cause if it was just for him he'll be crying his heart out right now. No. He has to be strong, for his brother, 'cause he doesn't want him to worry more.

_**You are my anchor** _  
_**So steady me, steady me now** _  
_**Come steady me, steady me now** _

" _You have a dream 'tsumu ?_ " It's been the first words he has managed to let out and it makes the blond boy laugh. Osamu doesn't really understand how he could laugh with all of this, but it makes him smile a little, watching his brother be himself again. _"I guess ? I have so many things I wanna do before... you know. But at the same time I don't really want things to change. I wanna play volleyball, with the team, with you. 'cause I'm happy when we play._ " and the smiles Atsumu gave him after his sentence, he's pretty sure it could heal all the injuries someone could ever have. He nods and puts his hand in the older's shoulder. " _Yeah I see._ "

_**Don't let go** _  
_**I don't want to do this alone** _

It's been month now since Atsumu tells him, it's been month, but he's not used to the idea of losing him soon. Would he be used to one day ? In a few days they'll graduate high school. Atsumu has been more and more silent lately and he's pretty sure he knows why. However, he doesn't wanna think about it. In the silence of the night, Atsumu finally speaks, after days without a word, except on the court. " _Hey, 'samu ? You're asleep ?_ " " _Nah. What do you want ?_ " Silence, again. He hesitates a moment, should he say something more ? But before he could do so, the blond boy speaks again. " _You know, without all this shit I'll probably join a pro team soon._ " He doesn't know how to respond. He knows that. He knows that his twins have always wanted to become pro. He can hear the sadness in his voice, 'cause he knows damn well his dream could never become reality. He says nothing, so Atsumu continues. " _I know you probably don't wanna be a pro, it's okay, but... Could you play sometimes, like we used to._ " " _Don't be silly, of course I'll play with you even if I'm not in a real team anymore._ " Atsumu giggles, but he doesn't respond. Deep down, the younger know his answer is a lies, he couldn't play with his brother in the future, but he doesn't want to face the reality. Not yet, not when he's with him.

_**You are my anchor** _  
_**So steady me, steady me now** _  
_**(I don't want to do this alone)**_

  
_**Anchor** _  
_**You're keeping my feet on the ground** _  
_**(I know that I'll drown on my own)** _

Atsumu was his anchor, his everything. It was he who keeps him from doing things he shouldn't do. It was him, all along, it was he who keeps him safe. And at night, when the lights were off, he lay in his bunk bed, waiting Atsumu to say his " _good night_ ". But he never did. And Osamu cries to sleep, all nights. He told his friends he was okay now, but how could he ? He was pretty sure none of them believes him anyway. Some day, they leave him some things to eat 'cause they know he doesn't take good care of himself. He was grateful, he really was. He knows without them it'll be harder to just breath. But they weren't Atsumu. Nothing, no one, could ever replace him. 

**_In angry oceans, You've never broken through_ **  
**_Every wave of the storm_ **

8 years. It'll be the end soon, he can't play forever, he knows that. Sometimes, his friends ask him what he'll do after and he never responded. How could he when he doesn't know himself ? Play volleyball, for his brother, always has been the only thing he thought about during eight long years. He knows he's supposed to do something after, but he can't just imagine himself somewhere else than on the court. Some people asks him if he's going to have a family, but can he really call something a family when Atsumu isn't a part of it ? He doesn't have anybody anyway. It's his fault, he knows that. Since Atsumu's death he can't help himself not to push people away, just to not get hurt at the end. It's a miracle his friends didn't leave him too. Kita had said one day that he can't just be alone all his life, but what if it's what he wanted ? His ex-captain just sighed. It was four years ago. He tried, for some years he tried to let himself love someone, but it's just not fair. He's too scared to even try to put an effort in a relationship. His partners always ask for 100% of his love, 100% of his love, but how could he give them that when he's not even complete anymore ? It's been six years since he hasn't try to be close to anyone, except for his rare high school friends who haven't been tired of him yet.

**_You are my anchor_ **  
**_So steady me, steady me now_ **  
**_Come steady me, steady me now_ **

10 years. It's not even been one year since he retired yet, but his life had seems to fall apart again. Like ten years ago. It's been like his brother had died one more time. Kita had been visiting him every week since the announce, making him meals he was sure will end in the trash. But he doesn't stop, coming more and more often just to make sure Osamu hasn't killed himself yet. He couldn't understand the kind of pain the younger has been going through, but it breaks his heart to see him in this state, and to know that he couldn't do anything to help him. He has tried, so many times since the ten latest years, but he knows now. He can't do anything for him, 'cause if Osamu still breath, he wasn't alive. He died ten years ago. And even if he wanted to, nobody could ever resurrect someone.

**Author's Note:**

> Song : Anchor by Skillet


End file.
